Weeks past.

Trying to get better, not like that’s being effective. Lately I’ve been thinking way too much about my weight and my body and about losing weight and about how pretty I used to be when I was smaller.

Sorta positive mentality.

I haven’t been exercising a lot lately, like barely anything other than daily activities.

I’m ashamed, but I’m tired of the same classes at the gym, and yeah, I’m trying to convince myself it’s okay not to go every single day.

For some reason, I miss the voice in my head and the excessive exercise and the cutting back on foods, I miss feeling that control.

My diabetes is getting better, but I really don’t seem to care about my health, actually.

Last week I got shitfaced drunk and had my first cigarette, today my second.

I just can’t find a reason to want to live, really, I try to and I try to be happy, but there’s ultimately nothing.

Whatever I end up doing, I hate myself and everything either way.

Seems like I’m going to go back to my old ways, and start trying to lose weight constantly and incessantly, exercising pretty much every day, and continuing with the getting shitfaced and smoking.

I don’t really fuck care, though.

I’ve sort of ignored this tumblr for a while..

I was trying to get better.

And I sorta am, but my low self-esteem and self-hate are slowly finding their ways back into my brain, after a prolonged time of not really absence but of being ignored.

I feel extremely disgustingly fat and horrifyingly ugly.

I wish I could learn to love myself the way I am, but I can’t. I can’t stop comparing myself to every single girl I see.

And with every other person, they will always look better or have something better than I do.

I know I have to put my entire health better, but it seems impossible without a change of mind/attitude.

But so on and so forth is this battle.

Right now, all I want to do is feel good about myself, and I think that’s where I’m bad, because the only time I remember about feeling somewhat good about myself was when I weighed 96 pounds. And since then, that is all I want and strive for.

It’s unrealistic, but either way everyone has given me a premature death sentence for the mess I’ve already made of my body.

So I guess I’ll at least be happy if I die young, right?

I think I’m going to try the skinny girl diet, starting tomorrow.

I know little calories isn’t a good idea, and it will eventually backfire, but I need to prove to myself that it’s not a good thing. Maybe then I’ll be able convince myself to try to lose weight the healthy way.

That is the conclusion I’ve come to, and hopefully it doesn’t turn out to be entirely horrible.

weight-l-e-s-s:

crisp—-air:

blurry—reality:

Now whenever someone says “I’m starving” when they haven’t eaten in a few hours, I just glare at them because they don’t know the first thing about what it’s like to truly starve.

okay this. or when they say “i haven’t eaten all day! … except for those few bites of this and couple of these.” excuse me. you have no idea what it is like to not have eaten anything in the entire day.

(via showme-bones-deactivated2012022)

Source: no0pee

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